Residink Evil 2
by Urban Cowboy
Summary: A comical look at RE2. Warning: Heavy Leon bashing.
1. Default Chapter

RE2 Spoof  
  
Warning: Don't read this fic if you are a Leon fan. I repeat: heavy Leon  
bashing!  
  
Prologue: In the beginning God said- Whoops! Wrong story. Anyway, the international corporation Umbrella had a lab, but someone dropped the virus vial and the place became infested with zombies and scenes stolen (or as Capcom executives would say "borrowed") from horror movies. The STARS teams were deployed to investigate the situation. After killing a bunch of stuff, solving lame puzzles that a third grader could solve, and surviving bad acting, they came back. Nobody believed their story even though many of the people still believed that J. Lo and Ben Something-or-other would make a good couple. Long story short, the STARS were suspended and Umbrella was far from over. One of these days, they would make their first umbrella . . .  
Leon was driving along to Raccoon City. He was originally was headed towards New York, but he found a dead cop, put on the uniform and headed towards the town. If the cop had been alive, Leon would just flee. It was pretty stupid to not help a police officer, put it was also pretty stupid to drive with an expired license, beer, drugs, and firearms.  
Leon was fantasying about the police job he just got. Even though the officer was black and was much bigger than Leon, he was pretty sure his new gimmick would succeed. Yet, Leon couldn't help but remember the bite marks that covered the body. Leon tried to listen to the radio, but all he got was static and some chick named Jill that kept begging for help and insisting that she was being harassed by a black leather-clad giant.  
Leon wondered what was going on when he ran over something. Leon: Damn! Third time tonight! Well, let's see what I hit this time.  
Leon walks out and sees a women lying on the road. Birds were pecking her and her shirt was slightly undone . . . Leon: Kinky. But I have to go.  
Leon gets back into the car and drives until he is stopped at an intersection by heavy traffic. Leon: (Traffic light turns green and Leon yells at car in front which is not moving.) Hey moron! The light's green you idiot! Go!  
After a few minutes, Leon walks over to the car. Leon: Maybe some friendly punching will convince you to move a little quicker. (Punches head right off corpse's head.) Heh heh, still got the good old right hook. (Watches corpse) Hey, he's not breathing. Aren't people supposed to breathe? (Looks around.) What the hell is up with all the death? (Sees a newspaper which reads on the front page: "Zombies Attack" and under that in a much larger font: "Save money on your taxes!")  
Suddenly, a bunch of zombies come around growing and moaning. Because Leon isn't the most intelligent of all the people in the world, (He's quite dumb actually.) he just gets into his jeep and leaves the area when he sees a diner. Leon: I think I could use a bite to eat before I go to the job. (Pulls out one of his guns out of the glove box. Then enters the restaurant.) Leon: (Says to zombie chief) I'll have a medium rare hamburger and a beer. (Looks at Claire who is staring at him with a look of surprise and confusion.) Ma'am. Claire: Watch out! That's a zombie! Leon: (Laughs and looks at zombie that is closing in on him.) Kids these days. (Thinks) Weirdo. Zombie: (Walks over to Leon) Leon: (Despite the rotting flesh, the hideous smell, and the non-existent breathing, it took a while for Leon to figure out . . .) Oh crap you're a- (Shoots zombie) Claire: About time you figured out that you were dealing with- Leon: (Nods) A republican. Claire: What! Oh come on! Claire grabs Leon and they head out the front door. A large crowd blocks Leon's ill-gotten car so Leon heads towards . . . Claire: Hey! Why are you mounting that tricycle?  
Claire and Leon then run to the nearest police car and get in. Claire has shotgun and Leon has the steering wheel. He starts driving as Claire starts talking frantically. Leon: (Thinking) Geez what a horrible conversationist. (Looks at Claire's chest) But a nice rack. Claire: -And the whole place went insane! (Looks at the badge at Leon's shirt) So Bruce you're a cop right? Leon: No. I mean yes. I was just coming to my new job at the RPD. (Leon might have noticed this mistake earlier if he was literate.) You better check if there is a gun in the glove compartment. Claire: (Takes gun out of compartment) Zombie: (Pops out of the back of car.) Leon: Oh no! Evil zombie twin! (Loses control and rams car into the light pole.) Score! (Sees large semi truck coming towards them as the car has spun around.) Oh sh- (The truck's horn sounds) Both make it out just in time, put on different sides of the street. Claire: Bruce! Let's go to the police station! Leon: Gotcha Claire! (Runs off) Claire: Bruce. Leon: Yes? Claire: The police station is that away. (Points to correct way to police station.) Leon: Oh.  
  
Preview of Chapter 2  
  
Leon looked at the window and saw zombies. Leon: I think you should get away from the window. Guy: Oh, don't worry it's the latest Capcom brand glass. It won't break until an unsuspecting moment to generate cheap scares.  
The zombies open front door, which is unlocked.) Guy: Damn I knew I forgot something. 


	2. Happily Going To The Police Station

Chapter 2  
  
Leon ran like a drunken, wounded buffalo but still managed to evade all of the zombies in the street. He saw a gun store up ahead.  
  
Leon: Guns! Maybe I can get them cheap due to the zombies. (Runs in store and sees a man at the counter they stare at each other and only when Leon takes a step forward does the man speak.  
  
Gun storeowner: Freeze! Who are you? What are you doing here? After staring at Leon for several minuets they Leon says the inevitable obvious.  
  
Leon: I'm a human! Don't shoot!  
  
Gun store Owner: (Sighs with relief) Would you like some pistol ammo?  
  
Leon: Pistol ammo? (Starts rummaging through all the boxes while the owner goes over to the wall window.)  
  
Leon takes the ammo and wonders if he could somehow get the shotgun and leave when he sees zombies gathering around the window.  
  
Leon: I think you should get away from the window.  
  
Gun storeowner: Oh, don't worry it's the latest "Capcom brand" window glass. It's guaranteed to not break until an unsuspecting moment to generate cheap scares.  
  
The zombies walk over to the door and open it.  
  
Gun storeowner: Damn, I knew I forgot to something!  
  
Zombies eat the owner while Leon, like most RE characters, stares like an idiot.  
  
Gun storeowner: You could help me you know!  
  
Leon: Yeah, I could but I don't want to get my hands dirty.  
  
Gun storeowner: Well you could at least not eat popcorn in front of me.  
  
Leon: (Tosses popcorn) Fine, if you're going to be a baby about it. I'm leaving.  
  
Leon then walked into the next alley which had a basketball court with zombies inside the closed off area. Leon walked over to the fence, aimed and fired off some shots. Yet despite being less than a foot away, he still couldn't hit their heads. After they were dead, Leon tried the door but it didn't open. Leon read the sign on the door. "Capcom brand door, guaranteed to open during unsuspected times to generate cheap scares."  
  
Leon walked towards the van and got the pistol ammo when a zombie appeared out of nowhere and crashed through the door, it headed towards Leon. He shoots it and he goes across the court to a staircase, which he climbed up.  
  
Leon: Garbage strewn all around, unclean streets, a horrible stench, how long have I been in New York?  
  
Leon went downstairs and got the oddly placed ammo. Leon then got on top of a dumpster and readied himself for a significant battle. What's so significant about this battle you ask? Why it's the only one where that the knife is actually a half-decent weapon. While standing on the dumpster, Leon kindly waited until the zombies where in range and began to hack away like O. J. Simpson.  
After the knife's five seconds of fame (and any use that it would see in this game) Leon exited the room and into another where zombies were enjoying a meal. Leon would have had to fight them enough space for him to run past them, now onto the bus.  
  
Leon: There may be zombies, but at least I don't have to pay bus fare.  
  
Leon kills the zombies and goes into the police station garden. He finds a journal there and looks at the last entry: "Oh why did I stay in this city? I knew that they were coming with full force and somewhere down the road they would intend to take me out! What could I have done to possibly make my fellow STARS team hate me so much? But now let's talk about Umbrella. After 2 months they decide to finally try to keep us quiet so they send in this freaky-looking thing covered with black leather that looks like Michael Jackson. Frankly, I don't know why they did this. They could have just done what most thugs do to L.A. cops: bribe us.  
  
Leon: What are these weird symbols on this paper?  
  
Leon shrugs and walks over to the large door that would take him to the RPD Headquarters.  
  
Leon: I wonder if this place is safe. (Shouts towards building) Are there any monsters in threr?  
  
Leon hears growls, grunts, and moans from the population of zombies, lickers, and zombie dogs.  
  
Leon: I'll take that as a maybe. (Goes in).  
  
Sample for Chap. 3 Part 1  
  
Leon: Why yes, I am Bruce.  
  
Marvin: Look mister, we already have Slim Shady, so this world doesn't need another blonde haired guy pretending to be black. 


	3. A Merry Time In The Police Station

Chapter Three Part One  
  
Leon walks into to the overly large room to find an empty hallway just like last video game. All of the other doors were locked and remain locked until he did a certain thing. Just like the last video game. Do you notice a trend? Anyway, Leon walked into the only available room. Where he meets a survivor.  
  
Marvin: Who, who are you?  
  
Leon: I'm Bruce.  
  
Marvin: No you're not! Bruce is black.  
  
Leon: Why yes, I am Bruce!  
  
Marvin: Look mister, we already have Slim Shady so this world doesn't need another blonde haired clown trying to act black. But I suppose names aren't important seeing that I am black, I will die.  
  
Leon: What happened to this place?  
  
Marvin: One hell of a weird game of twister. But that's not important either. What is important is that you help all of the survivors and all of the keys strewn randomly around the area are found.  
  
Leon: Why are keys strewn around randomly?  
  
Marvin: To make this game seem longer. Even with all of these obstacles this game only takes 2 hours and 45 minutes to beat.  
  
Leon: Damn, well- (Notices that Marvin's torso looks a lot a like . . .) Wow, a face!  
  
Marvin: What?  
  
Leon: It's your torso; it looks like a face, (Points Marvin's left breast pocket button.) That's the left eye, (points at Marvin's right breast pocket button) that's the right eye, (points at gaping hole in chest) and that's the mouth!  
  
Marvin: Hey, you're right! How funny. Now get out of the room and take this keycard.  
  
Leon: Well, I'll see you later.  
  
Marvin: Yeah, but I'll be dead.  
  
Leon goes out into the hallway and inserts card into computer. After the remaining doors in the first floor hallway are unlocked, Leon goes through the double doors to his right. Leon then goes over to the other side of the room to get to the next room when something crawling on the window. It had huge, sharp, long nails on its hands and feet, a mouth full of drool, and a filthy naked body. It was clearly peanutbuttersunshine.  
  
Leon: Peanutbuttersunshine? What are you doing here?  
  
Pbs didn't respond, instead it ran away. Probably trying to find another great writer like Steve Sideburn and Hello Captain to harass because he was jealous of their skills. Leon shrugs and goes into the next room where he sees a puddle of blood on the ground.  
  
Leon: I suppose that this is not ketchup on the floor . . .  
  
Leon hears talons on the ceiling and looks up. A pie hits him in the face. He quickly wipes the cream off his face and studies the hideous creature on the ceiling, holding a pie. It had sharp teeth- oh you've played the video game. You should know what it looks like. Leon then takes out his gun and shoots the monster dead. Leon then goes into the meeting room where he sees a picture hanging on the back wall. It's tilted "Nude Bungee Jumping" portraying a man naked except for a bag over his head.  
  
Leon: This portrait reminds me of my school days . . . (Sees a pile of dry wood in fireplace) Well; this is an obvious puzzle . . .  
  
With his unlimited wisdom, Leon makes a stool out of the wood and leans back in it, creating a tear in the painting causing the jewel to fall out.  
  
Leon: It's shining so it must be important! Takes it, then goes out on his merry way to the upstairs. He sees a statue holding another jewel.  
  
Leon: (Trying to read) Only . . . the light . . . of the . . . baboon? . . . No wait, . . . moon. Oh, it wants a moon huh?  
  
Leon turns away from the statue and drops his pants. There is a clink sound as the jewel is released. Leon turns around to retrieve the jewel only to find that the statue has both of its hands covering its face as if saying "oh the horror!"  
  
Leon shrugs and heads into the next place: the STARS office, Leon walks in to see Claire reading a diary.  
  
Claire: Bruce you're still alive? (Says questionably)  
  
Leon: Of course silly, anyway, I saw this really cool car we can escape in.  
  
Claire: Really? Well let's go!  
  
Leon: Well there are some certain things that I need to get it going.  
  
Claire: Oh, like what?  
  
Leon: Well, to start with, some gas might be good, along with the keys, four doors with windows, and an air freshener. But other than that, it's a real bitchin' car!  
  
Claire: (Sighs) Well, while you gather your um . . . supplies . . . I'm going to go look for survivors and keep them away from you- I mean zombies. (Notices that Leon has left and taken everything useful in the room, even the oddly placed picture of Rebecca in the basketball uniform.)  
  
Leon: (Thinking) She is still a bad conversationist!  
  
Leon then disembarks on yet another magical quest in which he collects more meaningless items. He then inserts the unicorn pendent into the statue of the women in the main hall. A loud burping sound erupts from the women as a key comes out of the mouth. Leon takes the key to the locked door up near the Stars office. He enters and sees a young girl. Leon: (Approaches) Hey there! I'm a single man who's looking for a good time-  
  
Sherry: (Screams and runs away)  
  
Leon: Damn it! All I wanted to know was where the nearest casino was! Damn, is this town that bleak and boring?  
  
Claire: (Comes in) Leon! Have you seen a little girl fun by here?  
  
Leon: Yeah, you just missed her! But don't try to get her. She doesn't know any casinos or booze joints.  
  
Claire: (Thinks) How the hell did this moron become a cop? (Now speaking) Leon, do you have any ideas about how we can get out of here?  
  
Leon: Duh, we can use the front door.  
  
Claire: But what about those thousands of zombies out in the city streets?  
  
Leon: Yeah, what about them?  
  
Claire: (Sounding pissed) I'm just going to leave now. Good luck with your hot rod, booze, drugs, or whatever your twisted mind desires! Good-bye! (Leaves).  
  
Leon: She forgot 'sex'.  
  
And so my children, Leon parts from Claire and goes to the rooftop. Just in time to see a daring rescue.  
  
Helicopter pilot: I can't set her down. I'm dropping the rope latter.  
  
Cop: Why not?  
  
Helicopter pilot: 'Cause you're in the way, you moron.  
  
Two zombies then shuffle up to the cop and try to bite him. With his unlimited wisdom, the cop then runs to a corner and starts shooting the zombies. Still, even with his lethal weapon, he couldn't kill the monsters. (Boy did he have bad accuracy or what?) What was Leon doing you ask? Why he was taking the time to admire his new look as the animation got much better in the cut-scene.  
  
Leon: Wow! Look how cool I am! (Continues to admire himself while the zombies chomp on the cop).  
  
In fact, it wasn't until the helicopter began to spiral towards the building that Leon finally looked up . . .  
  
Leon: (Ranting about how cool he looked).  
  
I said, Leon finally looked up!  
  
Leon: (Looks up startled just in time to see the helicopter coming straight at him. He moves away quickly and says some things that are not fit for this rating. Leon looks at himself and notices he doesn't look as cool as he did before). Damn, and that actually made me look significantly better looking.  
  
Leon then goes down the staircase and dodges all the zombies. Once in the small room he takes the valve handle and prepares to leave the room when he sees the door that leads to the courtyard. Leon opens the door, which reveals two zombies with witch Leon politely disposes of. Leon tries to go to the courtyard but the screen says, "It's too dangerous to go outside!" But if you look close enough, it actually says: "this is another one of Capcom's cheap ploys to keep the player right were we want them." Leon then goes back to the rooftop and puts in the valve handle. With a few turns, the fire in the building is quenched.  
  
Leon goes over to the door and tries to open it, when a cut-scene rolls. A different kind of helicopter zooms across the sky and drops a large can of something that has the Umbrella logo on it along with "UPS Air- mail". The package goes through the ceiling into the next room.  
  
Leon: Damn, those storks sure are getting sloppy with their job nowadays.  
  
Leon goes in and the doorway is immediately blocked with debris that somehow didn't come crashing down at a less convenient time. After he rounds the corner, he sees the Tyrant.  
  
Leon: Either that's a new enemy, or a big fan of leather. Oh well, either way, I think I'll kill it! (  
  
Leon shoots the monster until it dies. The corny horror music ended and Leon picked up the bullets off the monster's body. After that, he left the monster and went into the next room. A cut-scene commenced witch featured the monster standing up, but it didn't show what the monster was thinking.  
  
Monster: (Thinking) That bastard stole my Viagra!  
  
Leon then goes into the new area where he would have to face zombies, but thanks to a glitch in the program, they were gone. Leon went into the trophy room where he saw a shinning object. This made it an important item. Leon picks it up and lo! It is the diamond key. Leon stuffs this into his pocket and heads for the exit. When suddenly, the ceiling from above smashed open and a licker smashed open and a licker dropped down bearing its talons and teeth in a violent manner, screaming for blood. Leon however, being the brave (or stupid, depending upon your interpretations of his actions so far) man that he was, rolled his eyes and shot the thing right in its exposed brain.  
  
Leon ran to the suspect questioning room and used his new key to gain access. Inside he saw a chess piece thing and a first aide spray. But since Leon was going for the "A" rank, he ignored the latter and collected the chess piece. Since he didn't take the first aide spray, the licker did not attack. Now Leon stood in front of the second place, which the key would be used for. He put the key in which the key would be used for. He put the key in the lock and bam, the key was now useless. This information provided by the handy message on the screen.  
  
Leon: Cool! I wish I had something like this whenever I had to take that stupid driving test! Say, I wonder if I have to renew that thing?  
  
Leon then pulled out his driver's license and checked the expiration date. According to the information on the category, he was due to get his increase renewed . . . since 1985!  
  
Leon: Hey, don't get so mad at me! I had tests to take (and bomb), chicks to look at (and get slapped by) and parole officers to pay-off.  
Leon then goes into the next room where he gets acquainted with zombies all crammed up in a tiny space. Leon shoots them dead and enters the next room, the room where he met Marvin. Leon goes in the small office that his friend is huddled in.  
  
Leon: (To Marvin) Man, you don't look so good.  
  
Marvin: It's my sinuses. They're acting up again.  
  
Leon: (Notices that Marvin doesn't look so good, in fact he is becoming a zombie.) Damn Marvin, you were right, the black guy always seems to die first.  
  
Marvin mutates into a zombie and Leon kills him. Leon then takes the explosives charge and heads upstairs where the hallway to Chief Irons' office is and he sets the charge and backed away as he learned how to do when he was a child working with objects such as these. The door blew away and Leon entered Iron's office. Upon entering, he saw a dead body on the table.  
  
Leon: I think I saw this sort of thing in a horror movie . . .  
  
The chair suddenly swiveled around and a fat man with a gun faced Leon.  
  
Irons: (Stares at Leon then lowers gun and speaks) I'm terribly sorry, I thought you were another one of those zombies.  
  
Leon: For the love of God! Do I look like a friggin' zombie? Do I slouch? Do I moan? Do I smell like road kill?  
  
Irons: Well the answer to your last question is yes.  
  
Leon: (Notices how beautiful the girl is) Say, who's the babe?  
  
Irons: (Referring to Beverly) That's the mayor's daughter. I was told to look after her, but I failed miserably.  
  
Leon: (Muttering) Yup, that's what it looks like.  
  
Irons: (Continuing to rant) Just look at her, she was a true beauty, her shin nothing short of perfection. She clearly used her acme cream. But it will soon putrefy and she will become another zombie.  
  
Leon: Um, it looks like a bullet, not a bite, killed her.  
  
Irons: (Puts away smoking gun) I don't know what you are talking about.  
  
Leon: C'mon Irons! I want the truth!  
  
Irons: You can't handle the truth!  
  
Leon: Ah, can't I handle it just for a while?  
  
Irons: No! No truth handling for you. You're truth handling privileges have been denied.  
  
Leon hangs his head and pouts. He then goes into the trophy room. Footsteps are heard retreating into the back of the room. Leon follows them to a pitch-black room.  
  
Leon: Come out, come out wherever you are!  
  
Sherry: (Runs up and kicks Leon in the shin) Ha, ha. (Laughs like Laura from Silent Hill 2.)  
  
Leon: (Like James from Silent Hill 2 too.) Oh! You snotty little brat! (Now like Jack from Stephen King's The Shinning.) You little bitch! When I catch you I'm gonna make you take your medicine like a good pup! (Runs back to Chief Irons' office and talks normally) Hey chief, did you . . . (sees that Irons is not in the room.) Where did he go?  
  
The office was devoid of the Chief and his female companion. Only a single key remained. The key to the basement area.  
  
End of Chap. 3 Part One  
  
Sample of Chap. 3 Part Two  
  
Leon ran to the other side of the garage when he heard a gunshot hit the ground behind him. Leon turned around and saw a sexy Asian woman.  
  
Ada: Sorry about that, with your bad acting I thought you were a zombie.  
  
Leon: (Having a bit of a problem speaking while drooling.) It's ok. It's a common mistake.  
  
And now for something totally different, I am currently in the works of making a serious full fledge science-fiction horror novel based on Resident Evil 1 and Extermination. But take heed, as even if you have played Extermination, there are plenty of surprises, and none of them particularly nice or pretty. Witch brings me to my sample of the novel The Test: Unrestrained Infection. I promise you that unlike my spoofs, it won't be half-assed and it will be well worth your time. It will be rated "R" for violence, language, and crude humor.  
  
Gunfire seemingly erupted in every cardinal direction in a thunderous racket. Although no stranger to these kinds of situations, Chris couldn't help but notice a hint of desperation in panic. For a few seconds it continued its intensity, but just as quick as it began, it suddenly dropped in volume, but not in panic. A new sound replaced the hail of bullets, screams, but not just any screams, these held intense panic, hopelessness, and mortal terror. The recipe for disaster was clearly being cooked.  
"Oh crap!" Exclaimed Rebecca. "What the hell is going on here?"  
Chris turned his head towards what Rebecca was looking at, the security video monitors, each one showing its own twisted tale of horror. In one screen, there were several zombies huddled over a downed figure, clawing and devouring at the flesh. In the next, there were a group of gunners shooting at a mass of zombies. They were quickly over-ran and suffered the same fate that their companion from the previous camera faced. The scenes of death went on all across the bank of screens.  
"My God, they can't contain their research . . . they-  
There were suddenly loud and violent bangs on the door to their left. It was as if the visitor on the other side had either forgotten how to get back in, was incredibly drunk, very violent, both of these, or a zombie. Chris' worst fears were confirmed when the visitor finally opened the door with its violent force and exposed itself to their view. It was one of the guards that captured them from the last base, but instead of the cocky face it had last time, it had the hybrid facial expression of starved hunger and extreme hatred. Its once-proud uniform was now drenched in what looked like quarts of blood.  
Chris, Jill, and Rebecca watched in amazed shock as the zombie screamed. Its voice was tainted with evil and the very virus that infected it. When it was finished, it turned its attention back towards them and was silent as if remembering them in it's past life. The zombie then flew into a savage rage as its body went into a conversion.  
No, it looks like it still hates us. Chris thought as the zombie attacked the cage they were in. For now they were relatively safe inside the steel prison. But that was only a temporary solution. It did not protect from the virus itself. And without food, water, medicine, or weapons, they were as good as dead anyway. Things have obviously gone from bad, to worse, to just plain piss-poor.  
  
I hope you enjoyed my spoof and my horror piece. I will update the spoof soon and load-up the horror story once other projects are completed. Thank you for reading. 


	4. The Idiot Has Spocken!

Chapter 3 Part Two  
  
Leon inserted the heart key and once inside, collected the ammo on the ground that was in abundance despite the numerous reports claiming that there wasn't any ammo left. Leon went downstairs and heard paws on the ground. Leon aimed his gun and waited. He waited some more. And some more! When finally the zombie dog came into view. It had claws, red eyes and it looked a lot like Pluto, the Disney dog. Leon shot the dog and the next one after that. Too bad Leon didn't get the third one. The dog circled him once and then bit him on the ass with its teeth.  
  
Leon: Damn mutt! (Takes out knife and stabs it to death.) Stupid dog.  
  
Leon runs down the latter and once again, encounters Sherry. Leon, once again, using his ingenious reasoning with children, approaches Sherry with his bloodstained knife.  
  
Leon: Don't worry. I'm not going to hurt you. Just come over to me you good little (Thinking 'bitch' but says) girl.  
  
Sherry wisely runs away, but not before she gives Leon a good kick to the shin just for being an idiot. Leon screams in pain and anger trying to get back at the young lass, but fails. Leon then goes into the garage. Leon notices a van up ahead and decides to investigate hoping to find some confiscated drug of some sort. Halfway across the lot, a shot hit the ground at his feet causing him to turn around in surprise. Leon turned around and saw a sexy Asian woman.  
  
Ada: Sorry about that, with your bad acting, I thought you were a zombie.  
  
Leon: It's okay, a common mistake.  
  
The camera went into Leon's point of view as Ada is viewed from her feet towards her head. It stopped on two certain parts of the torso.  
  
Leon: Don't feel bad about trying to shoot me. It's quiet obvious that you can't hit the broad side of a barn. Anyway you're hot so tell me your name.  
  
Ada: Ada, Ada Wong. I'm looking for my lost boyfriend and a reporter who might know his whereabouts.  
  
Leon: Wow, you lost your boyfriend? You must have been one lousy girlfriend. But don't worry about him, you should worry about yourself. You see, I've met a lot of people lately and for some odd reason, they keep on dying. And I would say that your chances of living are pretty slim as well.  
  
Ada: I don't care! I'm going to find him so he can tell me where he put those damn car keys! Leon: Wow, you guys must have been pretty close to share stuff.  
  
Ada: Yeah we shared documents together. Very special documents. But that's not important! I need to talk to the reporter.  
  
Leon: Have you thought about the possibility that he left?  
  
Ada: No, that's not possible. You want to know why that van is in the way?  
  
[Flashback]  
  
Ben and the other survivors are huddled in a group with a small pile of food before them. They are in the garage.  
  
Irons: We don't have enough food for everyone. Someone is going to have to be voted off. But to make things fair, we'll draw straws. Whoever has the shortest one has to go hungry tonight.  
  
Everyone draws and Ben is deemed the loser.  
  
Irons: The tribe has spoken!  
  
At this point, someone hit a drum and Ben's light is extinguished. Ben, however, disagrees.  
  
Ben: Damn, I don't believe this! Why am I always the loser? You know what? I think Irons rigged this whole thing just because of the negative paper I wrote about him. This is so unfair.  
  
Irons: (Thinking) Damn, he's on to me! (Speaking) Now Ben, that's absurd. Why don't you secure a place where Beverly and I can rest- I mean, a place where everyone can rest?  
  
Ben: Forget you! Forget all of you! I'm going to leave you guys and go join another tribe. We'll have pizza, we'll stay up late, and we'll exchange really scary ghost stories and none of you will be invited!  
  
After giving these words, Ben left the group and went into the jail area of the police station. Irons sees this as his chance to get rid of the reporter by blocking the door with a van.  
  
Irons: Hey look everyone! It's the band Creed! (Points to the above ground parking lot.)  
  
Everyone runs over to investigate as Irons pushes the van in front of the door. He finishes.  
  
Irons: Whoops! False alarm!  
Everyone muttered a few complaints and walk away. Irons goes over to Beverly.  
  
Irons: Would you like to accompany me, Beverly?  
  
Beverly: Sure, just as long as I don't end up as some hunting trophy or something.  
  
Irons: Well let's not hope for too much.  
  
[End Flashback]  
  
Leon: So, how long has he been trapped behind the van? And most importantly, why didn't you do anything to help him?  
  
Ada: Gee, I didn't think about that. I guess its because while he was trapped, I didn't hear any of his bad pick-up lines and complaints. And I guess I just forgot about him.  
  
Leon and Ada pushed the van out of the way and went inside. Ada ran off the second they were inside.  
  
Leon: Ada wait!  
  
Ada continues to run away. Leon shoots at Ada but misses on purpose.  
  
Leon: I said wait!  
  
Ada and Leon went into the jail and before Leon could get that manhole cover opener, a cut-scene started.  
  
Leon: (Hits the bar) Let me guess, you must be David Spade. (To Ada) Is this the guy?  
  
Ada: Yes, but his name is Ben. (Turns to Ben) Ben, you told the city officials that you knew something about what's been going on. What did you tell them?  
  
Ben: And who the heck are you?  
  
Ada: My name's Ada Wong and I'm trying to find my boyfriend who suddenly disappeared six months ago.  
  
Ben: If it was six months ago then it couldn't quite be 'sudden' now can it? That's an oxy-moron.  
  
Ada: Okay, okay bad choice of words. Now can you-.  
  
At this point, the trio is interrupted by the terrible sound of a monster's scream. It sounded like whoo whoo whoo from the fat guy from the Three Stooges.  
  
Ben: That's why I'm not leaving this cell. Those zombies aren't the only things crawling around out there.  
  
Leon: Well you won't have to worry about anything much longer, you'll be dead soon enough.  
  
Ben: What!  
  
Leon: Look, if you want to live, (sounds like Arnold S. from Terminator 2) come with me.  
  
Ben: But, do you even know how to get outside of the city? There's a kennel in the back, inside the kennel there's a manhole. Go through and you can get to the sewer entrance that will apparently lead you to Umbrella's secret lab, but it won't be easy.  
  
Leon: Of course it will be, I'm playing on the easy skill level.  
  
Ada: All right, I'm going. (Leaves)  
  
Leon: Damn, not again! (Runs to the door.)  
  
Ben: Hey! You'll want this opener!  
  
Leon: Oh yeah. (Takes it and leaves)  
  
Leon then goes into the kennel and sees that despite what she said, Ada wasn't there. Leon then used his manhole opener and went downstairs. Leon kills the spiders and goes to the other end of the hall where he climbs the stairs. Leon goes through, yup, you guessed it, another door, and inserts his chess piece. Much to his dismay, he has to find three more. Leon goes back to the last room and whom does he meet? That's right! Ada!  
  
Leon: Ada, I don't think introduced myself. My name is Leon; I'm with Alcoholics Anonymous-I mean, the Raccoon police.  
  
Ada: (Rolls eyes) That's nice Leon. Anyway give me a boost so I can go through this shaft.  
  
Leon: (Bends down and Ada steps on him) God you're heavy!  
  
Ada: (Stomps on his' back) Never ever tell a woman she's heavy! Not unless you have a death wish.  
  
Ada lands on the other side and sees Sherry, who runs away, dropping her pendent along the way. Ada picks it up.  
  
Ada: How cute, that little girl dropped this. I think I'll keep it for her. It will be my precious.  
  
Ada goes outside and shoots all the zombies. Then she goes down the elevator to collect the shotgun ammo. She goes into the second room now.  
  
Ada: Damn! Not another lame puzzle Capcom cooked up just to kill time.  
  
After doing the simple puzzle, Ada collected the key and ran back to the room with the vent. Leon was waiting on the other side.  
  
Ada: Leon! Can you hear me?  
  
Leon: No.  
  
Ada: (Steps forward) Can you hear me now?  
  
Leon: Yes.  
  
Ada: Good, good. Anyway, here's a key and some ammo. Now that the mini- quest is complete, I'm going to leave, see ya.  
  
Leon: Ada wait! (Ada leaves) Damn, she ran away again. I don't get it. I took a bath only a month ago. I'm clean.  
  
Leon then goes to the morgue where there is a person lying dead on the table with a sign on its back that read: "I told you I was sick, but NO! You didn't believe me, did you?" Leon grabbed the keycard, which started the corny horror music that was scary only the first time. Zombies came out of the panels and approached Leon, blocking him from his escape. He shot them all and continued. Leon went into the gunroom and took the ammo. Leon then went to the far east side of the police station and used the key on the door. Leon entered into a room with a fireplace, three red statues in the wall, and a picture with a metal gear.  
  
Leon: Well it's fairly obvious what I have to do here.  
  
Being the genius that he is, Leon spent the next five minutes trying to pry the metal out of the painting with his fingers when he heard a door open and scary music blared. Leon felt a tapping sensation on his back and turned to see Mr. X handing him a crowbar. Not getting the hint that this would be an appropriate time to haul ss out of there like an intelligent fellow, Leon grumbled "thanks" and pried the piece loose, Leon took it. A second later Leon felt an enormous fist collide with his skull. But thanks to Capcom's laws of physics, even though Mr. X could tear down walls, he could not bring Leon's health down to 'caution' with just one hit. Leon did what he was famous for, running away like a scared idiot, which brought him to the hallway where he ran into Mr. X again who burst though the wall with great ease, yet lacked the power to kill a human. Mr. X walked over to Leon.  
  
Leon: Wow, you look a little stiff around the joints if you know what I mean. Here, take this.  
  
Leon tosses a bottle over to Mr. X and it bends over to pick up the bottle, giving Leon the time he needed to figure out that he could escape now. He runs away. Mr. X looks at the label which reads: E-Z Go Laxative, Maximum Strength. (Mint Flavored) Mr. X looks around to see if any is watching, then pops the cap and tilts it the its chin. The screen goes completely black as we hear gulping noises. Meanwhile, Leon is on the second floor balcony.  
  
Leon: That was close. (Hears licker rasping) Geez, is my windpipe in need of a good alcoholic beverage.  
  
Leon ducks just in time to take out his ankle flask as the licker sails over him. The licker, suspended in midair for a few seconds, holds up a sign that says, "Help me!" Then drops to the ground like Willy Coyote. Leon then goes to Irons' trophy room. By putting in the two red jewels, he gets the second chess piece. He then goes into the library. Once he took a second step, zombies came in through the windows on the first floor. Luckily, since Leon was almost done with this stage, it didn't really matter.  
  
Leon: Ha, ha. (Goes to puzzle) What the Hell is this thing? (Leon shrugs and goes to the power control. He activates it and one of the book selves moves.) Wow, maybe there's a secret passage here just like in Scooby- Doo.  
  
Leon scampers from switch to switch hitting and hitting. He does this until the puzzle is accidentally completed.  
  
Leon: Damn, another chess piece? Was the engineer who made this place obsessed with that game or what?  
  
Leon goes upstairs and heads towards the clock tower when suddenly; Mr. X's hand latches on to the balcony railing.  
  
Leon: Go to Hell. (Breaks said railing)  
  
Mr. X's hand now waves goodbye as gravity takes its toll. Leon is now inside the clock room and he heads upstairs to insert the clog piece. When he accomplishes this, the shaft down to the basement opens and the last chess piece is presented. Leon takes it and goes down the shaft. At the bottom, Leon hears Ben screaming.  
  
Ben: No! Get back or else I'll say a bunch of mean words.  
  
William: O.k. I'll leave. (Slashes Ben and leaves while shouting whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop like Curly from the Three Stooges)  
  
Leon runs to Ben just in time to see him drop and lean against a cell wall.  
  
Leon: Hey, that's a cool shirt, but what happened to your white one? (Puts two and two together but only gets –1). Looks like you need to use more bleach  
  
Ben: Damn it! I thought I was going to get the scoop of the year when I exposed the truth, but no, this happens.  
  
Ben then goes into a passionate speech on how Chief Irons was involved in the cover-up of the mansion and the possibility he was responsible for the current nightmare. It was a good speech too. What a shame Leon didn't hear a word of it because he was sleeping.  
  
Ben: . . . And I'm glad that even though I will die a cold death, at least someone knows the truth. (Notices that Leon is asleep.) Hey! Have you been sleeping along? You fuc- (Dies)  
  
Leon: (Wakes up) Mom?  
  
Ada: (Comes in) Is Ben dead?  
  
Leon: (Points to bloody mess) Nay, he's just having himself a nap.  
  
Ada: Oh. Well I've been here for a whole six seconds gotta run. (Leaves)  
  
Leon chases Ada to the room with the chess puzzle only Ada isn't there. Instead, William, looking very scary with his balloon hammer that he got from Six Flags. William then attempts to mutate, but only rips the seat of his pants. Suffering from mild embarrassment, he leaps off the platform shouting "whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop."  
  
Leon completes the puzzle and confronts Ada, who just came down from the ceiling.  
  
Leon: Ada! (Goes down to her) What was that all about? You're really starting to over use the "ladies first" thing. From now on, I want you to stay with me.  
  
Ada: Fine, we'll do things your way for now.  
  
Leon: (Thinking) Yes! I'm on my way to getting laid.  
  
End of Chapter 3 Part Two  
  
Author's notes  
  
Well folks, we're 2/3 of the way done with this spoof. So now we at Earl McFlanders INC. would like to take the time to thank our patrons. Fist there is Tsunami-Aoi, who for some odd reason, enjoyed our RE 1 Spoof and The Three Amigos Sorta so much that she put the stories in her favorite list. Then we have Trained Killer who put this fic on the favorite list.  
  
See you again next time. 


	5. The Sewers, The Secret Lab, and Ending

Residink Evil 2  
Chapter 4  
The Stupidity Continues  
  
Leon: This way, Ada. I know the way out of here.  
  
Ada: Well that's very impressive Leon, CONSIDERING THERE'S ONLY ONE DOOR HERE!  
  
Leon: No, look behind us, there is a door.  
  
Ada: That's the door we used to get inside the room.  
  
Leon: I don't know what you're so uptight about, I mean, I have a map.  
  
Ada: I think it would be the best of both of our interest to inform you that you are holding it upside down!  
  
Leon: (Turns map right-side up.) According to this map, we are in the sewers.  
  
Ada: We just passed a sign that announced that awhile back.  
  
The camera goes to a wall that said "Welcome to Raccoon City's Top Secret Sewers" below that was an arrow pointing to the gift shop and guest information. The camera goes back to the twosome enters the next room. Inside is a small elevator with a small door in the middle of the room. Leon opens the small door and peers down.  
  
Leon: Sure is dark down there, I can't see the bottom.  
  
Leon then swings his arms back and forth; he then jumps down, hitting the floor with his head.  
  
Leon: Ouch.  
  
When he regains conscious, he gets up and bumps into things for the next 45 minuets, Leon is able to get the lamps lighted, and he collects the ammo and heads up the ladder (Leon: There was a ladder here?) and reunites with Ada. They go down the elevator. At the bottom the duo encounter a white-coat clad women.  
  
Leon: Oh no! It's one of them!  
  
Ada: (Thinking) Does Leon know who she is and what she does? If so, I'll have to dispose of him.  
  
Leon: It's a dentist!  
  
Ada: (Thinking) Drat, and I had my hope set too. Well, better chase after her like a stooge.  
  
They both waited patiently until the elevator reached the stopping point, then while Leon tried to escape the 'dentist' Ada tried to chase after her. She went into the middle of the t-shaped passage and the new women, (Annette is her name as you will come to know and hate her) shot at her. Ada decided to use one of her top secret and special moves of evasion. Pivoting sharply, she gracefully power-walked a few feet and quickly turned in the opposite direction. Back and forth she went and getting quicker.  
  
Annette: (Thinking) Damn it! How did she know I was horrible at shooting galleries? I bet she has all sorts of information about me. Probably installed cameras into our home too. I should never have trusted that pizza delivery deal from Pizza Hut.  
  
Annette finally drew a bead on Ada and fired. It would have hit Ada too if Leon hadn't tripped in his panic, falling into Ada in the process. Annette runs away while Ada is on the ground with Leon on top of her.  
  
Ada: Leon, you're a nice looking guy and all, but DON'T YOU THINK WE SHOULD GET MARRIED FIRST YOU DISGUSTING PIG? (Violently pushes Leon off, then notices Leon's wound.) Leon, don't worry I'll avenge your death!  
  
Leon: Um, actually, I'm quite fine, but I would (Ada leaves) like some medical attention.  
  
Ada: (In sewer water, watching Annette go up the ladder on the opposite wall.) After all the time that that cut-scene took and she is only this far? My what a slow runner.  
  
Ada races after her and climbs the ladder. Ada is now on the other side of passageway. For some odd reason, the bugs that were in the previous hallway did not come out and attack her, but hey, that's Capcom logic for you. The camera, being oppressive as usual, disabled Ada from seeing Annette aiming a gun at her. Annette must be lucky because in the few minutes she went from a bumbling gunner to an expert sharpshooter.  
  
Ada: (Thinking) Aw crap I'm dead. (Speaking) I'm here to um, fix the toilets?  
  
Annette: (Lowers gun) Oh, well the bathroom is- hey, we don't have any bathrooms here. Come to think of it, there are no bathrooms in this entire video game! Now, concerning your outfit, given the style and color, you are either a hooker or a spy.  
  
Ada: (Thinking) I have the feeling that whatever I say, I'll regret it. (Speaking) I'm a hooker.  
  
Annette: Ew! Get away from me!  
  
Ada was more than happy to oblige, but Annette interrupted her as she was picking up her gun.  
  
Annette: That pendent! Where did you get that?  
  
Ada: Um, Wal-Mart?  
  
Annette: You liar! They only sell the silver variations. Give it back to me!  
  
Ada: No! It is my precious! (Hisses)  
  
The two then engage in a catfight amidst the howls of joy amongst the teenage boys. Somehow, they trip and fall into a vat of mud, how it got there, nobody knows or cares. Ada eventually gets the upper hand and pushes Annette out of the vat and onto the hard conceit ground. Ada cleans up, and then goes to where her gun fell off.  
  
Ada: I could go see if Leon is okay, or I could go down the ladder to see what's down there, which most likely will have some lame excuse for the game to switch back to Leon.  
  
She holstered her gun and went down the ladder. Once on the landing, something came out of the water.  
  
Ada: Can't climb ladder, why? Don't know. Gotta waste ammo on the- (Screen cuts to Leon.)  
  
Leon gets up and stands upright. His posture was very fine; in fact, it was difficult to tell that he was shot.  
  
Leon: Should I get medical help, or run after Ada. (Thinks for a few seconds) Better find Ada.  
  
Leon has some good times killing spiders, (Leon: All this ammo and not one can of Raid) and he found a few more dead people.  
  
Leon: (Screaming) Ah! Corpses! (Sees wolf metal) Oh, something shiny! Must pick up.  
  
Leon takes the item and the letter.  
  
Letter: To Agent Hunk, There is a vial somewhere in the secret lab of Raccoon City. (We can't tell you the location of the lab because then it wouldn't be a secret now would it?) We want you to go fetch it by any means necessary. Yes, yes we know that Birkin (the creator) is a good employee and all, but frankly we just can't wait two more hours. Failure is not an option. Because most likely, you'll be dead.  
  
Leon put the letter down and headed to the turntable. In there, he had the misfortune of relishing that he would need the valve handle to continue on.  
  
Leon: Good God! What is up with all of these blocked doors and keys? How the Hell did anybody get any work done here?  
  
Leon huffs angrily as he walks past a whole shelf of valve handles. After several minuets, Leon comes back to the area. He inserts and spins the handle, which brings the bridge down. Leon crosses, goes through the door and runs the remaining corridors till he sees Ada, shooting at the water.  
  
Leon: Ada! That's not how you go fishing! You use a pole.  
  
Ada stopped firing and would have shouted back to Leon (something on the lines of: I'm not fishing you idiot!) but something came between them. A HUGE something to be more accurate, it was a crocodile. It tried to swallow Leon, but with his amazing agility caused by supreme alcoholic consumption, he bolted from the fierce teeth and ran like a pansy, what he does best. Somehow, the croc had completely forgotten Ada. She sat down and counted the reasons she hated Leon. Leon ran like Hell, turning every once in a while to see if the monster was still pursuing him. Unfortunately, for him, it was. Things weren't looking any better when he tripped over a large container.  
  
Leon: Stupid thing! (Gives it a swift kick) Hey, this says ex-plos-ive? What does that mean?  
  
Leon didn't have much time to ponder this since the croc was quickly advancing on him. Frantically, he went to the door and tried to open it. No such luck as the message confirmed his worst fear.  
  
Message: In case of hungry crocodile attack, you are screwed.  
  
Leon: Oh sh- (crocodile roars)  
  
A last ray of hope comes to Leon as he remembered the explosive barrel he tripped over. Luck had come back to him temporarily as the crocodile had swallowed up part of it. Leon aimed and shot, killing the monster in a fantastic B-grade movie fashion.  
  
Leon: Ha! Take that Mother Nature! Just try to stop me from burning ants.  
  
Leon runs back to Ada. She is still counting her reasons on why she hated Leon.  
  
Ada: (Thinking) 105,338, 105,339-  
  
Leon: Ada!  
  
Ada: (Interrupted thinking) 105, 408? Damn lost count.  
  
Ada then helps Leon dress wounds, not because she likes him, but because she knows that Leon will follow her so she figured that she might as well lower the amount of blood that will get on her. After she was done, she talked to Leon.  
  
Ada: I just found out, my boyfriend is dead.  
  
Leon: What in the name of England does that have to do with anything?  
  
Ada: I suppose nothing, but let's face it, this video game is short on plot and putting a pang of sadness was the only thing I could contribute to.  
  
Because in the next few minuets all our characters do is backtrack (and I can't make any new jokes out of that) we will now pick-up our story where they are about to board the first train. Leon looked at the control board and gave his expert professional opinion of the situation.  
  
Leon: Inky, binky, bonky, daddy had a donkey. Daddy died donkey cried, inky, binky, bonky!  
  
Leon's finger landed on surprisingly the correct button. The train came and the two stepped in. It was picking up speed when suddenly- (there is a cut-scene to the roof where nothing happens) I SAID SUDDENLY (a claw comes through the roof. The almost terrifying whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop floated in as well. Arnold, actor and current leader of California, comes in wearing all black and brandishing a shotgun.  
  
Arnold: Connor! Get down!  
  
Leon: Wait a minuet! This isn't Terminator Two. This is Resident Evil Two.  
  
Arnold: Well this scene is so much like the movie.  
  
Leon: This is OUR game. Leave.  
  
Arnold curses and exits, Ada and Leon then shoot the claw, after a while, until it too leaves. Oddly enough, the train stops. Leon and his Asian associate enter the next room, which is teeming with zombies. Same bio- weapons, just different locations. Leon then makes an excellent discovery.  
  
Leon: Hey Ada! Look what I found!  
  
In Leon's hand was the hillbilly shotgun. Capable of giving you a big old kick and reducing zombies to powdered milk. Leon holds it up and it spins in his hands like Link in the Zelda games.  
  
Ada: Are done Leon?  
  
Leon: Yes Zelda, I mean Ada. Let's get going.  
  
Ada: and Leon leave and blast all of the zombies in a shooting gallery hallway. They turn the corner and go up the ladder. They are now in the control room.  
  
Ada: We finally arrived.  
  
Leon: Yeah, but where are we? What is this place?  
  
Ada: Umbrella's secret lab entrance.  
  
Leon: How did you know that?  
  
Ada: Uh, I looked at the sign.  
  
Leon: What sign?  
  
Ada: That sign over there.  
  
While Leon turned around, Ada got ready to hit him on the head with the butt of her gun. At this point, Ada saw that the train was gone.  
  
Ada: Ah crap!  
  
Leon: What!  
  
Ada: Oh, there's a big hole over there.  
  
Leon: A big hole? Cool. (Now in front of the hole) Wow, I bet you could get to China from here. (Looks at the tiny lift and the door set in the wall.) Hey, where does that lead?  
  
Ada: Don't know. Why don't you go check?  
  
Leon: Are you going with me?  
  
Ada: No, I'm going to, uh, check the computers. Yeah that's it, bye.  
  
Ada leaves, which leaves Leon to investigate the room. Inside, Leon finds the key he needs to get the lift back to the surface from the secret lab, which has been mentioned so much that by now it is no longer a secret. Leon also finds an employment ad.  
  
Ad: Are you an evil sadist? Do you enjoy making chemicals that will end the human race as we know it? Did you detest the Lord of the Rings movies? If you answered "yes" to all of these questions, then you my friend are twisted enough to work at Umbrella. No experience required, just a hideous grudge against all of humanity in general. Apply at your nearest tobacco company. For farther information, contact you local- (the ad was torn here.)  
  
Leon turned to go to the ladder when he came face-to face with a blond man. He was about as tall as Leon and carried a wooden plank with some nails sticking out of the end.  
  
Leon: Who the Hell are you?  
  
James Sunderland: I'm James Sunderland from Silent Hill 2. I've been watching you and you are, without any doubt, the biggest moron to ever appear in a video game. Even in a spoof of a video game.  
  
Leon: What's your point?  
  
James S.: My point is that I'm going to knock some sense into you.  
  
James starts to hit Leon repeatedly with the plank. The problem is, Leon wasn't getting any smarter, not even any dumber (he had hit the bottom years ago). James gives up and leaves. When Leon wakes up, he goes back to Ada, who is playing "Pong" on the computer.  
  
Leon: What are you doing Ada?  
  
Ada: (Erases screen) Important work that is totally top-secret. Did you find anything?  
  
Leon puts the key in and the train-like lift (if you ever played "Outbreak" you'll see that it doubles as a train at the end of the second level.) comes to the surface. Leon pushes the activation button and goes inside with Ada. Once again, the animation gets an up-grade as the elevator/train/hunk of crap drops down. The camera goes to the inside of the cab. The animation has gone back to "good for a N-64." A few seconds later, William makes another appearance.  
  
William: Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop!  
  
His claw pierces the wall and strikes Ada in the arm. She falls unconscious, with Xs in her eyes. Leon, with his stupendous stupidity, talks to Ada.  
  
Leon: Say something if you don't want me to take your wallet.  
  
William roars again, Leon walks out, prepared to do battle.  
  
Leon: That's it! I'm going to teach you a lesson about disturbing me from stealing.  
  
Leon takes out his pistol and hillbilly shotgun. Outside, Leon walks the perimeter of the train when suddenly; a pipe is thrown from the roof. It misses Leon by a mile. Leon looks at the roof and sees William, in his second form. He releases his almost terrifying cry of, well, almost terror.  
  
William: (Yelling while mutating, making the sound very high-pitched.) Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop.  
  
Leon shoots William until he goes down. Leon goes back inside. As if by magic, the train stops. Ada wakes up and the screen goes black for a few seconds. Ada moans and for the sake of the youngsters out there (shame on you for playing a 'M' rated game), we won't go into further detail.  
  
Leon: Welcome back to the side of the living.  
  
Ada: Where are we?  
  
The camera is now outside once again and as Leon replies with "I don't know", the gamer sees a vast array of signs that proclaim "Welcome to Umbrella's secret lab! Don't tell anyone." Camera goes back to Leon.  
  
Leon: I don't know, China? Anyway I'm going to go wonder around randomly until more stuff happens.  
  
Ada: But why?  
  
Leon: Hoe the Hell should I know?  
  
Leon gets off the train and goes down into the bowels of the 'secret' facility. Some time later, the train resumes its decent. He activates the elevator down to floor 4 after he kills the enhanced lickers. He then pushes a box to a stack of blocks to gain entry to an area that he wouldn't be going to yet if I was going to follow the plot of the game, but I just find too much humor in the sequence. Leon uses the key that mysteriously appeared in his inventory due to my laziness. Inside is room with a gigantic thing that is controlled by a single computer. You would think that Umbrella would conserve space and just keep their crap in just one or two rooms, but no, they have to have this big ol' fort with most of the place closed off in the first place. How egocentric can these people get? Whoops, I'm getting off the point. Leon goes to the end of the room when suddenly, Mr. X drops down from the ceiling. Instead of shooting the monster, Leon backs up to the wall. The end is coming to our brave (cough), smart (ass) hero as the nightmare approaches at a deadly rate of two miles per hour. Ada came to the rescue as she shot Mr. X in the head.  
  
Ada: Leon, run!  
  
Where? This dumb ass is blocking the only exit.  
  
Mr. X grabs Ada, who shoots wildly into its face. In retaliation, it throws her into the computer, which doesn't break, but Leon quickly runs up and finishes it off with some bullets. With blood in its eyes, Mr. X falls off the walkway into a vat of molten lava, which is there for no logical reason. Leon holds up a sign that has "3.5" written on it.  
  
Leon: I'll give him points for effort. (Goes to Ada who says some romantic stuff to him that gives the game something other than chunks of blood and gore. Enjoy it while you can though, because as far as I can tell, this is the only action that the cast of Re gets in these games. Leon heads to the room where the elevator is located. Meanwhile, Mr. X's hand comes out of the lava, looking like a very horribly drawn glove.  
  
Mr. X: (Thinking) He gave me a three? I'll teach him a lesson.  
  
On the way back to the room with the elevator, Leon's radio went off, Clare's voice filled the area. Not realizing that sound was coming from his hip not his head, Leon dropped down to his knees, as if begging God for assistance.  
  
Leon: (Yelling) No! I will burn things no more! You have no power over me you leprechauns.  
  
Claire: No you idiot, it's me Claire. This girl that I found is in trouble and I need you to go to the security office and take her to the train for me while I make the antidote for her.  
  
Leon: But I don't want to, it sounds like a lot of work.  
  
Claire: If you don't I'll –(Claire threatens Leon with one of the most horrifying things that would scare any man into unstoppable terror. It is so nerve-wrecking that I won't mention it here.)  
  
Leon: (Gasp) All right, I'll do it!  
  
Without wasting a second, he rushes into the room, where Annette is sticking him up with the business end of her gun.  
  
Annette: You killed my husband! I'll never forgive you for that!  
  
Leon: Husband? Oh, you must mean that ugly thing that I blasted on the train. He was weak and so easy to beat, but I don't think he's dead. He ran away like a coward. Ha!  
  
Needless to say, Leon doesn't have much experience with hostage negotiation. Even when it involves himself. But luckily, a confusing cut- scene saved the day.  
  
William: Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop (very high pitched)!  
  
Annette: (Runs down the passage until William drops down in his third form). You're still alive! (Sees William holding a picture of Hello Captain. The music goes to a soap-opera tone.) Why Willy? Haven't I always been there for you? Didn't I give you enough love? I even quit shaving my armpits for you!  
  
The music ends abruptly as Leon stares at Annette with an expression of shock, confusion, and slight sickness.  
  
Annette: Long story.  
  
William: (Slashes Annette.) Consider this our term of divorce. Oh, and I call the big screen t.v. (Jumps into the ceiling.)  
  
Leon: That didn't make any sense whatsoever.  
  
Annette: A little help here?  
  
Leon: Sorry, gotta go.  
  
A few minutes later, Leon goes into the security office. On a cot lies Sherry, who is looking very pale.  
  
Leon: Hey you're that brat from the police station.  
  
Sherry: You're that dork that has been harassing Ada and Claire.  
  
The two stare at each other as mortal enemies. Finally, Leon spoke, hoping for a truce between the two, so maybe just maybe, he might have a chance with Claire.  
  
Leon: I'm here to take you to Claire. She's getting something for you.  
  
Sherry: I want to tell you a secret. I-  
  
Leon: (Very excided) Oh boy! I love secrets. Is this the latest scoop on Michael Jackson?  
  
Sherry: No, (speaks very quietly and pulls blanket to chin in fear) I see dumb people. They don't know they're dumb, but they- (faints).  
  
Leon: She sees dumb people. Oh that's a good one. Well I reckon I should get going.  
  
Leon picks up Sherry and goes to the door. He tries to turn the knob, but it won't open. The door just won't budge.  
  
Leon: Crap, what's going on? (Twists the knob in a different way. The door opens.) Oh, I was turning it- (at this moment, Leon S. Kennedy figures out that he is a dumb person.  
  
The End  
  
Ha, ha. Just kidding. Leon is inside the elevator with Sherry. Leon activates the emergency mode, enabling the elevator to move sideways, just like in Willy Wonka. After the ride, Leon enters the next train.  
  
Leon: Geez, this is the third train tonight! Who made this game? Capcom or Union Pacific? (Looks at fainted Sherry) Stay here, okay?  
  
Leon runs around until he is in the room with the big lava thing. He goes to the computer terminal and activates the train.  
  
Terminal: Because the boss battles have been kind of dull, we decided to use the "charge up train" excuse to dim the lights.  
  
The lights go out. Now mostly blinded, Leon stumbles around until he bumps into a body.  
  
Leon: Sorry ma'am.  
  
He looks closer and sees that it is actually Mr. X. You know, usually being in a pool of super hot liquid is something that is bad. Apparently, not in Mr. X's case though he had talons, and was now real quick, now that his spandex was melted away. Leon and the monster rage battle. Things aren't looking good for Leon until a rocket launcher comes down from above and hits him on the head.  
  
Leon: Ouch, what do you want now, God?  
  
Ada: Use the rocket launcher.  
  
Leon: Is that you, Ada?  
  
Ada: Who do you think it is?  
  
Leon uses the rocket to kill the monster once and for all. The lights come back on and power has been returned. In the train landing, Leon encountered more zombies.  
  
Leon: Damn, this means I have to kill another boss.  
  
He kills the zombies, opens the gate, and goes inside. He heads into the control room.  
  
Leon: Should I wait for Claire or get the Hell out of here? Better leave. (Pushes lever.)  
  
A cut-scene ensures involving Clare barely making it into the train. She goes to Leon and slaps him. Then goes to Sherry and administers the cure. She wakes up and hugs Clare as Leon goes back into the control room.  
  
Leon: Damn, would I love to make love Ada. (The train shakes violently.) I'm sorry Ada, I was just joking, I love you for your mind! Really!  
  
Leon falls backwards out into the compartment where Claire and Sherry were.  
  
Leon: You guys stay here, I'm gonna kill William once and for all, and take all the credit.  
  
With his usual candor, Leon pulled out his trusted redneck firearm. He opens the door and the speaker goes off.  
  
Train speaker: Attention, attention. Biohazard out-break inevitable, ha-ha, you're all going to die.  
  
Leon: Oh no we're not! Somehow we will survive and eat ice cream. (Tries previous door, which is locked.) Oh God it's locked! We're all going to die!  
  
William: Never mind the door dumb-ass! Come back over here so we can fight. I need to audition for a role in Silent Hill soon.  
  
Leon goes to the back room and finishes off a part of William. He goes back to the locked door.  
  
Leon: I still can't get the door open.  
  
Sherry: That's because you're turning the knob the wrong way, again.  
  
Claire: I knew it! Leon is a dumb person.  
  
Sherry: That's right! He didn't know he was dumb, now he can't-.  
  
Leon: Look, we already did that joke, can any of you open the door?  
  
Sherry uses her small body to crawl inside the control room (which is locked as well). She presses the stop button, the train stops, and Leon, still on the roof, flies off and lands painfully on the tracks.  
  
Leon: Oh sh-(is interrupted by sudden explosion of the train.).  
  
Luckily, by the magic of Capcom, our heroes are outside of the blast radius. They belong in the Genius Book of World Records for running a half a mile in just a few seconds. But not all is over, for the words "The End?" hang in the air followed by ominous music. The camera is changed to a view of William, who is charred beyond all recognition.  
  
Executive producer: Oops, it really is over.  
  
The camera goes back to Leon, Claire, and Sherry.  
  
Leon: It's all over.  
  
Claire: Like Hell it is! My brother isn't here, Umbrella is still at large, Ada is still alive, Hunk retrieved the "G" virus, Sherry's parents are dead, and absolutely nothing in the plot progressed! If anything there are even more complications!  
  
Sherry: At least you and me will be friends.  
  
The music turns light classical as yet another drama unfolds unfolds.  
  
Claire: Sherry, you've been a brave, smart young girl who has gone through many hardships. Unfortunately, because I can't find my brother, I'll have to leave you.  
  
Sherry: Please don't!  
  
Claire: Sherry, I'm sorry. But life is all about hardships, and this is one that I need to face. I don't like this anymore than you, however, I know you'll be strong and I can count on you to be able to take care of yourself.  
  
Sherry: I don't want to lose you, but I don't want you to lose your brother. Please be careful.  
  
Claire: Oh Sherry, you can-  
  
Leon: Hey Claire and other girl, check me out!  
  
The two friends look over to Leon, who was being moronic as usual with a gallon of whisky and dangling from a power line.  
  
Clare: Leon you idiot, get down from there!  
  
Leon: (Drunk.) Why should I listen to you? You ain't my mama.  
  
Clare: If you don't get off, you'll be electrocuted.  
  
Leon: I ain't gonna be elec-(pauses) what done did you-(line snaps) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! The pain! (Falls down to the ground burned to a crisp.)  
  
Sherry: I suppose we should get him to a hospital.  
  
Claire: Looks like it. But damn, we are short one guy.  
  
James Sunderland: I'll help you guys.  
  
Clare: Hey! You're James from Silent Hill 2. I loved that game. By the way, what brings you here?  
  
James: I'm looking for my wife, Mary. But we'll look for her some other time. We have to get this dork to the hospital.  
  
The screen changes to a still-shot where the status is listed. In the background is a room from Silent Hill's hospital where Leon is lying down, strapped to the bed, while being tormented by Laura, also from Silent Hill 2. At the bottom of the screen are two words: The End.  
  
Footnotes  
This concludes my second full-length spoof and I hope you all enjoyed it. Usually, I would tell you guys that the next spoof, Resident Evil 3: Semi-Sissy will be coming soon, but unfortunately, that is not the case. I am going to finish writing some other humor stories before I get to that, like "The Three Amigos" and Max Pain in the Butt". One more thing, for those of you who want to take a break from comedy, I will be writing a 75% serious novelization of Silent Hill 2. Good day. 


End file.
